The life of we three...

Big news!

2011-06-10T04:07:00.000-07:00

Most of you probably know this already but I realized that I haven't written in my blog in a long time and haven't announced here that I'm engaged :) On our one year anniversary of being a couple, Joe took me to where we had our first kiss overlooking the ocean and the city of Boston at sunset and asked me to marry him :) He actually got down on one knee and then gave me the prettiest ring :) I am the happiest and luckiest girl. As I type this, three kiddos are up, one is still sleeping. It's pretty busy around here! I have moved into the new house and Joe's is closing this month so he and his kids are here most of the time when they are not at school, doing homework, at their mom's, or working until we after school is out. Joe and I are still madly in love and I keep wondering when the honeymoon phase wears off but so far, it hasn't dimmed! :) The new house is awesome. Sunny, open, pleasant...with a bedroom for each of us plus an office so no more having kids share a room and keep each other up! It's great! There's a lovely deck, a huge finished basement playroom, and the neighborhood has TONS of kids and nice parents, sidewalks, and Odin can walk to school at the end of the road for Kindergarten in the Fall. I can ride Zephyr to preschool on the bike path too! We are joining the community pool at the end of the street and have already been to the beach a bunch this month so it should be a pretty fun summer! We are also taking a trip at the end of June to Jackson Hole with all four kids...I've never been in the summer so I'm really looking forward to seeing Yellowstone, the museums that are normally closed in the winter, cowboy dinners, rodeos, horseback riding, and fishing! Odin and Zephyr are looking forward to some Grammie and Grandpa time :) Then, it's off to Nantucket for some weekends! Joe and I figure with all we have going on right now, we probably won't get married until next Summer/Fall. We need to concentrate on helping our family make this transition into living together and into Joe's kids commuting to school half the week this Fall. We'll see. We figure it'll take us all year to find moments to check out places to have a reception anyways! So, that's all the big news around here. I'm just happy happy happy! Somehow I scored the most wonderful man who is the perfect fit for me. It reminds me of what my Nana says about my Grandpa..."My heart still flutters every time he comes in the door." :)

Joint Family Trip

2011-02-27T18:22:00.000-08:00

Joe and I took all four kids to St. Thomas for a few days :) We had all four kids for an entire week with 2 travel days and 3 days in the sunny fabulousness and we made it through with flying colors. Our trip was not without it's travel difficulties as is the norm these days but we had a wonderful trip and everyone had a great time :) Next week we are off to California to visit all of the loves that we haven't seen since we moved away two years ago. I found airline tickets that were such a good deal that I booked them, regardless of leaving a week and a half after getting back from our last trip. Odin's dad and his girlfriend are meeting us there to take the kids for a few days so they won't miss their visit. I know the time change is going to be a challenge with the kids waking up at 3AM so wish me luck! Here are a few pics from our quick vacation!

Since I last wrote...

2011-02-07T20:16:00.000-08:00

...things have gotten back on track :) Right now, as I write this, the house is sparkling, the laundry is going, the dishwasher is running, the boys are tucked up in their beds and all is right with the world. As far as my love life goes, as hard as it is to let myself trust, I have once again fought the urge to run away from love and all the scary vulnerability that goes with it and am blissfully happy. Yes, there was a hiccup along the way, a white cap in my otherwise smooth sailing, a pothole, or more appropriately for this winter, a frost heave. I've asked and discussed with everyone I trust and they are all with me in thinking that it was just that...a momentary, fleeting glitch. So....onward and upward :) I'm happy to say that I am happy happy happy as are the boys :) We spend our days shuttling to school, playdates, gymnastics, errands, and events for the club that I run and we spend our evenings alternating between Joe's house and my rental. Our kids miss each other when we are not all together so we try to make it so that we are only apart a day here and there besides the time that each set of kids spends at their other parent's house. Joe's kids are flourishing in our new chaotic lifestyle...for my boys it is just the norm ;) Having four kids around most of the time is rewarding, silly, fun, full of more cuddles than one person can accommodate, and thoroughly stimulating. Each kid is so unique and fascinating...I love every minute. Joe and I make a good team and it really seems easiest when we are all together. My kids love Joe and his kids which makes me feel good and tells me that I am indeed not only taking the path that's best for me, but that is best for everyone! It is indeed complicated having several driveways that need snowblowing (thank goodness Joe does that) and we are forever packing and unpacking and having groceries go bad on us while we're away or missing an item that we meant to bring...but if the two of us can handle this level of stress, than we certainly make a good team :) Zephyr is amazing me every day with how much he secretly knows and with his panache and humor...Odin has become quite helpful and sweet in addition to his amazing and ever-present zest for life and never-ending enthusiasm. They have been enjoying spending time with their Dad and his girlfriend at their house in Maine and visiting with Grammie & Grandpa and every chance they get whether here, CT, WY, or wherever! We just got back from a trip out to Wyoming where we got to visit with Uncle Adam too! Anyways...that's what's going on here in MA. Just shiny happy people! I'm so glad to have every running smoothly again :) Sometimes it's good to have things go awry just to keep you on your toes and to remind you to live in the moment...the future doesn't really exist!

Such is life.

2010-12-11T09:38:00.000-08:00

To anyone that begrudged me for my happy moments and how I may have overshared my joy...I now feel entirely justified for doing it. My rationale was that I realized how fleeting happy moments can be and how they always seem to come to an end in my world at some point so it's important to soak it up while it lasts. I'm glad that I fully appreciated my reprieve from single-momdom for the last 7 months. It was really nice to feel loved and special. I had wonderful company and felt cherished and lucky. I was able to enjoy my boys more and to really love every minute of my life. Regardless of whether I was taken for a ride or not, no matter what the real story is or was, and despite the fact that it might have all been a mirage of smoke and mirrors, this time I actually don't regret a thing. I had the best 7 months of my life and got to live the dream which some people never get to do. I know now how it feels to be loved...even if that love is not real, at least now I know what I'm looking for. I know that it is something worth waiting for and I'm perfectly happy being alone until I find it and if that takes forever, so be it. I know what it feels like when a relationship is working. I know what normal discussions feel like, what talking about your problems feels like, what it is to be with a person that has a personality that fits with your own. I'm thankful to have learned all of these lessons and to have grown as a partner. Although it is now my time to be back on my own again...just me and the boys...and as hard as that may be and as sad as I am, I'm just so glad that I soaked up that happiness while I could. It will carry me through this rough patch. My soul was fed and full in the way that nourishes you for a long time. It is very nice to be surrounded by my wonderful community and I'm so glad I chose this place to raise my boys. We are lucky to live here and for the people that support me I am so thankful. As one last thing, let this be a reminder to us all that happiness is an illusion...it is an ever shifting changing being...so if you have it, let it shine, let everyone around you bask in its glow...show everyone what it is to be happy...for it will inspire them to also look for this fleeting moments and to appreciate it when they find it. You will carry others through their rough patches with your optimism and abundant love...until it has once again evaporated, leaving you holding just air, a popped balloon...and you once again need to turn to the others who are in their own moments of happiness...to share in their love and optimism and carry you through. It is a human cycle of perpetual hope that we are bound to and it is important that we take every moment for what it is. A gift. The gift of life...and whether we are in a high or a low...we are still lucky to be able to live it. I'd rather be sad and disappointed but alive any day. Next time I'm happy...take it for what it is. Share in my happiness, bask in the glow...don't begrudge me...but appreciate it for what it is. A shining moment in time when the sun hit that metal reflector just right and blinded me with its glory.

The perils of marriage.

2010-11-04T16:35:00.000-07:00

I was reminded today by a friend of the perils of marriage. I am, myself, in the wonderful stages of the promising beginnings...the time when you still remember being alone, wondering if your soulmate existed, if you were destined to be alone forever. I was happy alone...don't get me wrong...I wasn't just looking for any old person to keep me company...and I did remember what it felt like to be in an unhealthy relationship and I certainly would never want that again...but I'm MUCH happier with someone that complements me and my personality and I do look forward to spending the rest of my life with that person. I do still remember what it looks like to imagine living as a single unit in this world for the rest of your existence. No matter how much work a marriage takes, I still choose to try.

HOWEVER, what happens when you no longer remember what it was like to be alone? When you start to take your soulmate for granted? These are the questions that keep me up at night and as I watch some of my closest friends reach this point and their marriages start to faulter...why I feel it is my job to remind these couples of how lucky they are. I watched my own marriage fail...and although we were certainly not right for each other, it did give me a flavor of the fine line between a relationship functioning ok and a couple that is so resentful that they lose their way and end up hating each other. To the people I love out there that were lucky enough to find their soulmate in this world...please remember the love you felt for this person before the stressors in life came along. Remember that although they may be causing you pain in some way, they started from a place of love...that they are a good person...and that you both deserve the love that you have for each other. It is important to find that again. Do what it takes. Go to counseling where they will force you to open pandora's box, talk about the things you have ceased discussing, and to remember how much you love each other and appreciate each other. Try to find your place of love again because coming from this side of things, the beginning, it feels REALLY good to love and be loved and it feels REALLY awful to watch your marriage disintegrate, leaving you alone and floundering in this world.

I had no choice but to end my marriage, but unless your spouse is doing something really really awful that you cannot look beyond, save it. Cherish it. Find the place of love again. Don't wait until things are so bad that you have no choice. Rescue it before the flame has burned out. A little bit of work now is worth saving you from how bad things can get later. Don't be embarrassed to say, "We need help. We need a third party to shake us from this bad pattern." There is no shame in it. You deserve a healthy relationship and you deserve to be loved. Your significant other is the one that will give you that love. He has just lost his way as you have lost yours. Give each other the benefit of the doubt. As my Nana said today, "With all the disabilities your Grandfather has now, I have to focus really hard and use a lot of patience to support him with even more love than I ever did before." She knows what it takes to keep things going. When she gets frustrated, she puts more love out there, loves him more ferociously than she did before, and she knows that it is worth it because of the love he has for her in turn. They respect each other beyond the annoyances and pity resentments. They know that the history created between them is worth its weight in gold and that they are soulmates through thick and thin.

So, to all those couples out there that are feeling the strain. Know that I am thinking of you and wishing only the best for you and your loves...but that I also hope you step up to bat and fight for your marriages. I can't imagine all of you floundering out there alone.

Zephyr's Mickey Birthday Party & Odin's Spiderman Birthday Party

2010-10-11T17:54:00.000-07:00

Odin's 4th Birthday Party!

Zephyr's 2nd Birthday!

We are all moved into our new place :)

2010-09-14T04:12:00.000-07:00

We have moved to our new rental and it is much better than our previous place. I'm finally catching up on everything again now that the craziness of summer is over and we're all moved and unpacked. The kids are very happy and loving the neighborhood, friends, and school. The house belongs to a church and they fixed it up beautifully for us and keep watch over us. It's nice to have such a lovely group right next door! We also have lots of friends in our neighborhood so there are constant playdates and good company :) Odin's birthday party was great...a Spiderman theme...and Zephyr's is coming up...a Mickey Mouse theme at his request! I'm doing well. I have a lovely boyfriend who treats me very well and is wonderfully nice to the boys. He has two kids of his own which makes for a lively bunch! I've been volunteering and trying to leverage that into some paid work but the economy is not helping. Here are some pictures to tide you all over!

Resolve

2010-06-05T21:55:00.000-07:00

I have come to a realization and I am writing it down so that I do not lose my resolve in this new conclusion that I have come to. I have decided that being a grown up means saying tough things even though you know that it may mean that you lose immediate gratification in favor of a long term gain. It means knowing yourself so well that you can say with complete conviction what is most important to you and what you are willing to sacrifice and what you are not. It means knowing what makes you happy and creating an existence where you can be happy all on your own. So happy that you are willing to walk away from something that makes you happy in the moment if it will not create the future that you see for yourself. It means being honest about what your expectations are regardless of the outcome because you want to be happy and you know that you can be happy alone if all else fails and that you are not willing to compromise your image of what you want in the future. Truly knowing yourself and thinking long and hard about what is important to you is the only way that you will find your future happiness and you must be so dedicated to that future that you will not settle. Life is about making yourself happy, so happy in fact that the fear of being alone will not drive you to make decisions based solely on that fear. I am going to be gutsy tomorrow and lay my cards on the table. I will not cower away from what I want. I will not put my own wants aside for fear of being alone. I will say what is truly important to me and how I envision my future. I will make myself a priority because I deserve to be happy and if someone cannot help me towards that goal then I will go it alone. If I don't get some guts and go for it, then I am only doing a disservice to myself and the people I love. Emotional honesty is scary but necessary and it is where mature grown ups dwell. Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Better to love and to lose than to live a life unfulfilled. Wish me luck on sticking to my guns. I am so very not good at this. I can only be strong in the fact that I have found my own happiness and that will be there to carry me through any outcome.

Life as we live it.

2010-05-24T18:12:00.000-07:00

I have no profound thoughts to share with you all except the overwhelming joy of being truly happy. I realize that is a bit redundant but I am...happy! I am loving our little town of Marblehead, it is truly the perfect place for me and I'm so glad I put in the hard work and soul searching way back when to figure out what it was that would make me happy and to try to create a future that had all of those elements. I do believe that we all create our own happiness...so I am truly giving myself the credit this time for making it happen and for hanging in there with a solid dedication to my future happiness in the times when things seemed so dismal. I love the person that I am and the conscious effort that I put into my life each and every day. If I am single forever, raising my boys alone, I will still be truly content. I could not have said that in the past years but today, I can honestly say that I love where I am in life...with a future unknown and only possibilities on the horizon. People say that when things are good, you need to stop and appreciate it for that moment is fleeting. Well, here I am. Appreciating it. In all its momentary glory. Right now, in this minute, I am SO happy :) I don't know where this life is taking me or what the world has in store but I sure am loving the ride. I will leave tomorrow to its own devices...love to you all!
-Star

Spring has sprung!

2010-04-26T05:40:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been lagging so much with the blog! Facebook is so much easier and more secure that I end up posting everything there instead! We had some airline tickets from last year that for a trip we had to cancel due to our move cross country so we took advantage of the tickets and went to Florida :) We had a great time...stayed with my friend Alison at her mom's amazing house, visited with her brother in Miami, caught up with friends from Nantucket and went to see Mickey and then went and stayed with my parents for a few nights. It was a great trip! Here are some highlights!

This next photo proves that even in Florida, a drainage grate is still just as fascinating!

While we were mini-golfing, both boys got hole-in-ones!

The boys had a fantastic Easter and the weather was amazing for it! We even just went to the beach one day! YAY! Here are some photos of the ever-growing guys!

The boys and their cousins and the super heroes that live with me ;)

Odin and his rainy day art project and the boys with their best friend Sailor.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

2009-12-31T16:01:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year Everyone! Here are some pics from our December! Right now, we're out in Wyoming. Odin started skiing and loves it and Zephyr is enjoying being a little cowboy!

Odin's first run EVER skiing!

Getting the hang of it...

The second day Odin skiied!

SNOW!

2009-12-07T18:52:00.001-08:00

Thanksgiving, December, and our first snow!!!!

2009-12-06T05:58:00.000-08:00

We had a lovely Thanksgiving up at my Aunt Shelly's and Odin got to meet all of my cousins' kids! They all had a GREAT time and it as just adorable.

Then, yesterday, we went to see Santa arrive by lobster boat down at the harbor, walked around downtown and saw some amazing gingerbread houses. Then, we went to some great church fairs, and thoroughly enjoyed the holiday spirit!!!

When our first snow arrived, Odin could not wait to get outside. He was ready to go out and shovel in the dark last night...I told him he could go out in the morning...so he waited till first light and he was out the door, naked under his snowsuit because he couldn't waste any time getting dressed. He had us out there before I even got to drink one cup of coffee!

Home Sweet Home

2009-11-17T20:03:00.000-08:00

Just want you all to know that we are HOME! Love our house, love our town, settling in and VERY happy. We are all relaxing into our routine and feeling like our life has finally begun again. Phew!

This is Halloween!!!!

2009-10-31T14:07:00.000-07:00

Z walking! Here ya go!!!

2009-10-27T08:48:00.000-07:00

He officially took off across the room on Oct. 11 and from there on out he's been on the go!

Here's a thought.

2009-10-23T15:42:00.000-07:00

You know what's an interesting thought? I look back at the postings that are as recent as a few months ago, and the feeling's gone. It's just gone. Like a faint whisper you heard but then weren't sure you actually heard anything. A whisper that makes you think you've just seen a ghost. I actually feel like that. Those thoughts have left me. I'm starting a new life. I'm happy. I'm excited. I like who I've become after this whole experience. I feel confident in my parenting again. I'm not afraid of the unknown. I'm taking it as it comes...and that's not scary. It's liberating. I know I can't control it and that life is a mystery as the future just unfolds. A slow, messy, eventual unfolding. Not an unfurling...but an unfolding. Each section reveals itself but the fold creases remain. The image is still whole in its entirety...even with the permanent creases. They just give the paper character, age, wisdom, and a humanity that makes people feel comfortable to handle it yet not too afraid that it will crumble in their hands. Just a thought for those of you who are also going through this. As always, Zephyr's development often makes me reflect on my own baby steps this year. He just started walking and is bravely taking off into his own world beyond the arms of his Mama. I'm proud of him and admire him with his perpetual smile and complete disregard for his Mama's issues. I think that I too have taken to walking again...and you have to crawl before you can walk. That's for sure. It's much better for you that way. You know how you got to where you are and that, should you fall again, you can handle it. You'll just slow to a crawl again and plug along.

Mmmmmm. Fall.

2009-10-22T15:15:00.000-07:00

Z has been walking for about a week now. Videos coming!

"I think that people who can't believe in fairies aren't worth knowing. ~Tori Amos"

2009-10-18T06:51:00.000-07:00

"And as the seasons come and go, here's something you might like to know. There are fairies everywhere: under bushes, in the air, playing games just like you play, singing through their busy day. So listen, touch, and look around - in the air and on the ground. And if you watch all nature's things, you might just see a fairy's wing." ~Author Unknown

Fall is here!

2009-10-15T11:59:00.000-07:00

Zephyr's First Birthday!

2009-10-15T11:44:00.000-07:00

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Good vs. Evil

2009-09-11T17:47:00.000-07:00

Odin is entering this new phase called the magical/mythological phase of development where 3-7 year olds have a hard time distinguishing between fact and fiction, reality and imagination. It is also a phase where a child tries to understand how the world works, action and consequence, and the boundaries of his own will. With this new phase has come an obsession with being a superhero and the "bad" guys and the "good" guys. Everything is black & white and no one really dies, they are just "dead" and then alive again to fight another battle. He wants to wrestle all the time with every kind of person from women in their pretty dresses to random 20 something men he encounters. In Odin's world, you either "hate" someone because they are "yucky" or you love someone. There are no shades of grey, no moral dilemmas, and no consequences of deciding to "hate" someone. Everyone we meet is a "friend" and they are instantly part of our web of friends that crisscross this country. The past for him has become a distant memory that vaguely confuses him as it is so at odds with his current reality. I'm sure he can't even imagine that his prior existence ever occurred. I wish life mirrored this phase of development. Right and wrong are clear and concise, fairies and superheroes really exist, magic is possible, and the past is just a distant memory. I can only imagine the frustration at how little control he has over his life at that age though. I guess it explains why Odin tries to assert his will over every little decision. I have to say, I don't feel as though I have much more power over my life and the future than he has over his life at the moment. I'd say, we're in the same boat, he and I. Zephyr is the only one completely blissfully unaware of all the unrest. He just lives to love...and eat...and explore. That's about what makes his life complete :)

My house is now ready to sell and will be sold within the next two months. The finality of selling the house and the degree to which this is forcing me to let go of so many hopes and dreams and any ounce I had left of my former existence seems to be dredging up so much emotion for me. I am having to get rid of so many things that it is just not practical to move, things that I agonized over picking the perfect one of, then took such good care of, and held on to...the house that I poured my love into making everything just the way I always dreamed of...the life that I was building...it is so hard for me to just erase it all from my life like none of it ever existed. When I try to "take" any of that memory or life with me, it just highlights the juxtaposition to my current situation and hurts too much. If this was always my reality, I'm sure I'd be fine with it, but when you are constantly comparing it to the dream you had and what you wanted from this life, it falls short to say the least. I look forward to some day in the future when I have created so much history between this day and then, that there are foundations on which I stand that have nothing to do with my life "before." A day when I have some sort of context that takes me so far from where I was at before or am at now that it isn't even relevant to dwell on. A day when good and bad once again become black & white, where superheroes and fairies really do exist, magic is possible, and I just live to love, eat, and explore.

Here are a few photos to "keep you" as Odin would say.

The boys from Magnum P.I.

Good guy

Bad Guy

The Superhero undercover...

The getaway vehicle...

Super Odin & his sidekick, Z Boy...

The little Hummel...

"So damn easy to say that life’s so hard
Everybody’s got their share of battle scars
As for me I’d like to thank my lucky stars that
I’m alive, and well

It’d be easy to add up all the pain
And all the dreams you sat and watched go up in flames
Dwell on the wreckage as it smolders in the rain
But not me, I’m alive

And today you know that’s good enough for me
Breathin' in and out's a blessin' can’t you see
Today's the first day of the rest of my life
And I’m alive, and well
I’m alive, and well"

My baby's not such a baby anymore!

2009-09-05T07:26:00.000-07:00

In the last week, Zephyr has gone from being a baby to a one year old! Not only is he working on walking, he is also learning signs at a record pace! The other day, he was reaching for my coffee cup and making a sign so I turn the cup around and realize there's a fish on the side and he's signing fish! Now, he's got rudimentary versions of all of the following signs:
Fish
More
Milk
Kitty
Dog
Bird
All done
Bye bye

He's also working on the words:
Hot
Ball

The other day, he went and got my shoes, put them on my feet, climbed into my lap, tugged on my to get up, and waved bye bye like, "Mom, let's go!" He also goes and gets his bottle and brings it to you as well as bags of pretzels and cheerios. He makes car sounds when he's riding his little "bicycle" and he dances when you put music on. He can show you his belly button and then gets ready to be tickled. He chats his own little language all the time. He's also getting pretty good at feeding himself with a spoon. He knows the uses of all "tools" like hairbrushes, spoons for stirring coffee, hammers, telephones, t.v. clickers, the computer, and horns. It's amazing that he's already so close to being a toddler! In just one week, I feel like he has changed so much!

Big News!!!!

2009-08-26T00:06:00.001-07:00

Hi all!
I'm still trying to get a video of it to show you and I have a lot of videos that need to be uploaded still BUT I just wanted to tell everyone that ZEPHYR started walking!!!!! He took his first steps Friday, the 21st and then yesterday evening, he was holding a water bottle in his hands while taking a step, pausing, taking another two steps, pausing, taking another step! He was practicing all evening! He's climbing on EVERYTHING too which is pretty scary. He's such a joy of a baby...we were out playing ball and every time I kicked the ball or helped him to kick the ball he would break out into squeals of laughter and giggles. Such a fun guy to be around. Odin has been working very hard to learn to swim. The conversation we had this evening while waiting to fall asleep goes like this:
Mommy?
Yes, Odin?
My hair is getting kind of long.
You think so?
Ya. Do you think, in the morning when the sun gets higher and higher that we could give me a haircut?
Sure!
Mommy, you're so helpful.
Thanks Odie!
Can you cuddle me some more?
Sure.

Melts your heart, doesn't it?

Snippet

2009-08-12T11:02:00.000-07:00

Odin, playing at the beach with another 3 year old. They are playing tag.

Odin: "Hearit!" "Hear it!" (His version of "You're it" which makes about as much sense.)

Sam: "Do it! I do it!" (His friend's translation of something he thinks to be more appropriate, also having no idea what "You're it" would have to do with anything.)

Floating up.

2009-08-08T18:53:00.000-07:00

I feel like I am drowning...it's like a rope is tied around my ankle and it is attached to the bottom of a rough sea and yet I am just buoyant enough to keep afloat. A big wave will pass over me and submerge me entirely but I am just buoyant enough to pop up on the other side of the wave. Right now, I am fighting this frustrating sickness, on antibiotics, AND weaning. Oh geesh. Today, the wave caught me yet again (no doubt an effect of the sickness and weaning hormonal rollercoasters) and my kids reached down and pulled me back up. They held me up long enough to catch my breath once again. The mom in me will NOT let my kids have anything but a PERFECT childhood to the BEST of my ability NO MATTER WHAT and that is what drives me on a moment to moment basis. It's my overall arch that I have trouble with.

Today, in my despair about what I have been reduced to and what I have given up, I felt so hopeless. I find solace in the complete sacrifice that perfect parenting is yet I know that this will not ultimately keep me afloat. I will need to begin again from scratch, re-inventing myself yet again. Starting over again. And, I will have to be alone. No matter how I look at it, I will be alone. I will do it, alone. How can I be alone when I love to be in a crowd and crowds are easy to find? How can I be alone when I find comfort in fellow humans no matter who that might be. I am still feeling the effects of a warm hug from a spanish lady at a playground in Boston that me and the kids found ourselves at. Her cell number and offer of friendship saved in my cell phone. I feel the embrace of the nanny at the playground in CT that hugged me through my tears that wouldn't stay put and carry her number scrawled on a piece of paper in my wallet like an emergency contact to put on the many health forms I fill out. The cell phone number of yet another person at a random playground that offered friendship in a fleeting moment at the car window as I drove away. The business card of a beginner hairdresser with the promise of wet weather playdates at her house. None of these lifelines are what I need or what I seek, yet there they are, keeping me company. How can I fear being lonely? How can I be here, with the constant company of my parents and feel so lonely? How can I cuddle me two little loveys and be lonely for them? Feeling like I am not present enough for them?

I am reading Eat, Pray, Love and although I find it frustrating to "hear" this woman whining when she has unlimited financial resources, talent, and can flit around where she pleases having these experiences without having to drag her two children along or wonder how they will be affected while also wondering if love will ever find her while she mothers, smothers among the closed in walls of her home, I will admit that it gives me things to ponder on. She says that all you need to do is ask for your guru and they will appear. What I think about this is, I am not ready to hear what my guru has to say. Second, she points straight to me and says, "I, too, am trying to control my world to keep time from moving, to stay as far away from dying as possible, and can therefore not be present. Even as I control, it only proves how this world is beyond our control." Although I am paraphrasing, this is the lesson that I need to learn yet every ounce of my being will not allow this to be true. I CANNOT live from day to day. I CANNOT let the past die, CANNOT let the future present itself. I am NOT ok with my current predicament and constantly think I will, at any moment, wake from this dream and find myself no longer in this predicament. Pinch me.

Yet, here I am, making myself a cup of hot cocoa. Thinking how maybe winter is what I need. Maybe I will find comfort in winter. In the quiet of a snowfall, glowing fire's embrace, cradled by a home, let the wind whistle outside. Here I am, popping back up after the wave has passed, catching a breath. I cannot help but hope, it is the human condition. It also seems to relate to the seasons. Being back in the land of seasons, I remember the feeling of perpetually being driven forward, towards the next season. Thinking that something better is just around the corner.

Comments

2009-08-05T11:54:00.000-07:00

I just got the most interesting comment on my blog saying that I helped someone! I helped! ME! The person that only gets help from others, lives purely by the grace of others' good deeds, and has no life or direction whatsoever HELPED SOMEONE ELSE! They were an anonymous commenter and if only they know how good it feels to have helped even just ONE person to give back a little! I can't help anyone in my own life because I can barely keep it together in my own life, have no money to help with, have no home to welcome them into, and no grounded feeling to offer as support. I'm so glad that I could virtually help someone. I'm glad to hear that someone is helped by me just saying, "Hey, my life is a mess. Things suck. Welcome to my world." Hahahaha. Anyways, here's what up with me...as if things couldn't get any worse...I got really sick. This illness really messed with me but luckily I'm on antibiotics and things are going to get better again. I don't know WHAT I did to deserve this year but there ya have it. The hits just keep on comin'. Thanks to all for the support that you gave to me via facebook...I couldn't even reach out to people because I was just to sick I didn't have the energy to reach out. I'm feeling better and my parents took good care of me so don't worry about me! Just a nasty infection...I think I have THE worst immune system EVER, AND it doesn't help that I'm up every two hours with the baby and up for good at 5:30AM most nights with the occasional panic attack/stress out in the middle of the night where I can't sleep! Argh! So, now that I'm going to be feeling better, just wondering if I could get a sign. Any sign. Just something small from the universe telling me what the next step is for me. I thought that I would get a sign sometime during this summer helping me to figure out what to do next but the summer is halfway through and no sign has materialized. What am I going to do? I have to get a life of my own sometime! Where do I turn? Where do I look? What search do I google? (Believe me, I've tried many random google searches for an answer...if it was out there, I would have found it.) Does anyone have an answer for me? A magical offer of just the life I would like to live? Sometimes, the best thing to do is send your needs out into the universe. Here goes.
Here are my skills:
Marketing
Graphic Design
Customer Service
Managing
Hospitality Revenue Management
Hospitality (all departments)
Teaching
Singing, Dancing, Acting
Working with children
Extreme Patience
Fundraising
Non-profit misc. work
Interior decorating
Multi-tasking

Here's what I would like in my life:
Friends
A nice little home within walking distance to Something
Neighbors
People stopping over a lot
A community with great families and kids that is near enough my parents that I can get help when I get really sick which seems to happen to me WAY to often!
A good preschool
An ocean nearby enough
A mountain to climb nearby enough
Interesting things to drive to with the kids
A job from home
A nice babysitter for once in a while help
Friends
Friends
Friends
I guess I should also expand to friends who can play even on weekends or evenings when most families are having family time or a family that doesn't mind a third wheel with two kids.
Dates with nice friendly normal guys. Not the love of my life...just an occasion to get dressed up and feel pretty and have a nice date with fun adult conversation and laughter.

Ok. So, that's it. Is my Utopia out there? Does anyone have the key to the sign from the universe that is meant from me? If this post is missing words or doesn't make any sense...that just because I JUST started taking my antibiotics and they haven't really kicked in yet. Next post I'm sure I'll be back to my boring make-sense self.

It's official!

2009-07-30T04:23:00.001-07:00

Odin is officially 3 years old and potty trained! When we would ask him, "When will you start using the potty and wearing big boy underpants?" He would say, "On 4th of July!" Not sure why he picked that day, but he meant it and on the 4th, we started the process. There were lots of accidents along the way but he kept plugging along and working at it and now he's 100% potty trained! I'm so proud of him. He's getting so grown up, it's hard to believe that he's only just 3! I can't imagine how grown up he'll seem at 4 or 5! He's my best friend and such a pleasure to be with. Zephyr is getting ANOTHER two teeth...definitely bothering him...but he's too much fun and the boys are really cute together. Their bond is something to behold! Zephyr is still walking holding onto things and doesn't seem to have much interest in walking on his own so we'll see what happens with that in the next two months. Hard to believe he's almost 1! This past year has been such a blur...I look forward to the day when I can put all the trauma of the year behind me and stop having all these holes in my memory where stress and sadness took over, leaving no room in my brain for anything else. Every time I think that the hard part of divorce is over, it drags on. I'm beginning to look at the "one year of hell" that everything I read said I had to get through before things got better as more of a "5 years or more." I always wanted kids, my whole life, and it is just unbearable that the experience is being soured by this whole situation. I just want to raise my boys and be happy and whole...enjoying every moment...but the circumstances I find myself in make it more like trying desperately to enjoy every minute despite the walls that continue to crumble around me. The sky is falling and I smile on.

Ahoy me hearties...

2009-07-20T06:10:00.000-07:00

Odin's Pirate Birthday Party was a success :) Here are some pix of the buccaneers!

Odin got a castle for his birthday but of course, his little brother had to terrorize the villagers ;) Isn't that what little brothers are for? Zephyr is practicing his best pirate face learned at the birthday party!

4th of July

2009-07-04T10:54:00.000-07:00

Odin was SO excited to decorate his bicycle...we hunted high and low for decorations while in CT and brought them with us to Nantucket. He waited and waited for today...at the crack of dawn he was decorating his bike, rode it all the way downtown, waited and waited for the judging, and WON THIRD PLACE! YAY!!!!! Zephyr drove his car down and was so proud of his big brother!

Floating...

2009-06-15T19:41:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure who I'm really writing this blog for anymore...those of you that read it are close enough to see for yourselves...those that are too far away now probably don't even know about it...I'm not sure how the people that read it feel about me...I'm so tired of writing about my lack of a life, my exhaustion, my anger, my frustration, my disbelief, and I'm too busy focusing on enjoying and appreciating ever single minute with my kids to try to keep up on writing about them. I don't know how long I'll be able to realistically stay home with them so it seems like I hold onto our time together more and more desperately. The only thing I can focus on in my mind is how much I miss having my own home, my own life, my friends and family in CA, my dog, my cat, but how that is no longer possible since I am now doing it all on my own with a finite amount of financial resources to draw from and two little boys growing at an alarming rate towards what will be much more expensive years. I don't really have a plan for the future to focus on, I'm still stuck with all the things from the past that I am trying to move on from. I would write about my pathetic attempt at dating as I'm sure you'd all find it entertaining but it's just plain sad in my eyes. The wonderful guy who dumped me because he couldn't handle the kids, the firefighter that was just plain overbearing, the young son of a single mom who was just way too short, the surfer that I informed via email that I had moved cross country overnight, the lawyer that assessed and dismissed me within 40 minutes, the old friend that wanted to commiserate about divorce, the 20 something cougar bait that drunken texted me, the boring tax assessor with the 7 year old daughter and bad teeth. It's really hard looking into the future knowing that I will probably be alone for a very very long time. That I will raise my boys alone. That is not ever what I dreamed of when I thought of my future when I was a little girl. I have always looked forward to the partnership of marriage and raising a family together. Why didn't I understand how making a stupid choice about who I did it with would haunt and ruin my world for the rest of my life? I will be dealing with this forever. My children will be dealing with this forever. If I ever find someone that deserves my kids and will accept them as his own, he will also have to deal with my bad decisions forever. When will my life begin again? When will I ever feel normal again? When will I stop regretting what has become of my life? When will I be able to just enjoy my children without feeling the loss of what I always pictured their life would be instead of just feeling good about what is? Anyways, I'm finding it hard to keep this blog going when I question the people that read it and have lost my idea of what the point of it all is. My first blog was a way to convince myself that life was grand and perfect even though I knew it wasn't...this one was a way to start fresh and puzzle it out...but it seems to just continue to be the same questions and ponderings over and over in a pathetic monotonous diatribe. Sorry y'all.

Love almost three year olds...

2009-06-03T16:37:00.000-07:00

Here's the image...Odin running through the mall with his Buzz Lightyear calling, "To infiniti and beyond!"

Odin baking a cake with Grandpa and "reading" the directions.

Odin "doing" crossword puzzles in bed at night with Grammie.

Odin telling me how the world works..."Mommy, when it starts raining, you'll put your windshield wipers on!"
"Here's a lesson Mommy, the cars go on the road, the people go on the sidewalk."

I just love three year olds...you just have to watch what they hear because they're awfully honest about all of your bodily functions and private matters!!!!!

Odin

2009-05-31T13:34:00.001-07:00

"Mommy! This is the funnest fair I've EVER been to!"
"Mommy, that is the saddest story I've ever heard."

"Grandpa, we're going a long long way to Grandma's house and you are the big bad wolf and you just ate GRANDMA! Now, I'm gonna stomp on you and get Grandma out and Mommy, you're going to be Grandma!"

"Mama, here's a babu (pacifier for you laymen) that I shouldn't have."

"Mama! I did a poopie! I did a poopie!" Me: "You did a poopie in the potty?!?!?" Odin, "No, I did it in my diaper!"

More to come as I remember them...

Lovely early mornings...

2009-05-28T03:54:00.000-07:00

Although it is very tough sleep-wise to get up at 5:30 or earlier with Z and not be able to get Odin to bed until around 10:30...it is nice to have the house all to myself with Z in the early morning...it's the only time when I feel closest to when I had a life of my own and had my own house...I miss it so much. I was overwhelmed with how much I had to do and doing it all on my own so there's really no solution...but I do miss it. I miss knowing where things were, having all of our "stuff," having our friends, doing things on our timeline and energy flow, having my decorating, my doggie, and even cleaning my own home. I really want to thank Z for getting me up at 5:30 so that I can have that early morning time. Z doesn't usually get his own toys very often since he really just wants to play with whatever Odin is playing with, but yesterday, with my "cash back" from my Toys R Us credit card, I got Z a little car with a handle that works like a stroller. My friend, Nicole, had one on ACK and Z loved it so I took her advice and got one with rubbery wheels and he just LOVES it! It's SO cute! Will take a video of it, I promise! Odin is even being really great about the fact that it belongs to Z. Uh-oh, Odin's up early! Gotta go!

Back in ACK.

2009-05-23T05:16:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the lack of posts and photos...life has no breaks since Zephyr gets up early with me and Odin goes to bed late with me...that means NO mommy time except the maybe one hour where their naps overlap. Glad I'm not trying to work from home right now! I don't know what I'd do! Anyways, Nantucket was like coming home. I got to catch up with old friends who all have kids now! Crazy! Got to hang with the girls some and catch up on gossip with the boys...a 22 year old hit on me and drunken texted me...definitely not something to pursue but certainly flattering! Odin was so happy hanging out on the island and we caught a tag sale that was MADE for him! We cleaned the place out for practically nothing! Blocks, a motorized motorcycle, a doctor set, a whole tractor trailer filled with matchbox cars, a pirate ship, a whole tool set, a bed rail for out the ACK house, books, videos, and more! Odin thought it was his birthday or X-mas or something! We went to the beach one day it was so nice weather-wise, joined a playgroup at the each playground, and had a GREAT time! Photos to come...

What you may have missed...

2009-05-07T12:55:00.000-07:00

Z's tongue thing he does all the time...

Easter

The circus...

Connecticut

It's official.

2009-05-05T15:06:00.000-07:00

Well, it's official, I'm back to being a non-person again. I'd love to hear from all of you but don't expect me to have much to say...I live in someone else's house, have no job, and basically spend my day keeping a toddler and baby entertained and safe while trying to keep them from breaking anything or making a huge mess. It's rained all week so we can't do anything outside and in an attempt to avoid the flu, we're avoiding large confined areas with lots of people so museums, malls, etc. are out. I really miss the California life I had built for myself but I just have to keep reminding myself that I need to have a longer range view...I'll have a life again sometime in the future (wish I knew when), the kids will have really great schools and a safe place to grow up, I'll have more support and less financial stress, etc. Just really miss having a life and living it. Right now I just feel like I live in limbo, in a void here and now between the what was in the past and and what will be in the future. When will the future start?

Relocated

2009-04-25T17:03:00.000-07:00

Since I have lost all of the contact numbers in my phone, I'm letting you all know that we have relocated to Connecticut. Please come visit us as Odin, Zephyr, and I are alone for the moment and would love to see happy smiling faces. Hope to see you all soon. It's good to be home and this nice weather was a great welcome back gift!

Small Talk

2009-04-25T04:28:00.000-07:00

As my friend, Cathy, observed, Odin has no problem with small talk. He will do well in business ;)

Odin's conversation with a bus driver:
O: Hi, I want to be a bus driver when I grow up.
D: Really? It's a great job, you get to meet a lot of great kids!
O: I like to meet a lot of kids and everything. Actually, I'm working on potty training.
D: Really? That's hard...but I'm sure you'll do just fine.
O: I'm trying to do my pee pee's and poo poo's in the potty.
D: Ya, that's hard. What's the hardest thing for you? Aiming?
O: Ya. My Mommy's pretty good at doing her poops in the potty though.
D: Oh.

Conversation with Mommy:
M: How's your diaper, Ode?
O: Good. How's your diaper, Mommy?
M: I don't wear diapers Ode.
O: How's your underpants Mommy?
M: Um, fine, thank you.
O: How's Zephyr's diaper?
M: It's fine too. Thanks for asking.

Conversation with stranger:
O: Hi.
S: Hi, what's your name?
O: O-D-I-N, Odin.
S: Hi, I'm K-I-M, Kim. How old are you?
O: (Holding up two fingers) I'm two. Soon, I will be this many. (Holds up five fingers.) My birthday is in July.
S: Oh! Who's that?
O: That's my brother, Zephyr Pepper.
S: Oh. See this picture in this magazine? Do you know who that is?
O: That's Kai Lan. Ni Hao. (Hello, in Chinese.)

Conversation with Uncle Adam:
A: I'm going to Africa to see Lions, Tigers, and Elephants! Then, after that I'll come visit you!
O: So, you're going to come see me after you go to the Zoo?

My son.

2009-04-07T21:25:00.000-07:00

Me: "Odin, is there anything I can do to be a better mommy?"
Odin: "Get some sleep."

Not kidding. That is what he said.

Your monthly fill of photos & video

2009-04-07T16:24:00.000-07:00

Thoughts...

2009-04-06T13:01:00.000-07:00

I'm reading this great book called Broken Open that talks about many different theories about life...one of them is a theory that life sends you feedback each day...not messages about the future...but rather feedback on your current life and how you are living it. Today it came to mind about all of the things I've stressed about in the past that turned out to be nothing...(sorry for the graphic nature) but I didn't get my period until I was 17 I think (way after everyone else) and I didn't have big boobs, so I always assumed I'd have a hard time getting pregnant and later breastfeeding. I broke my pelvis when I was 18 and all the doctors said I'd have to have a c-section because of it. My aunts had terrible childbirths and it was assumed, since I had their body type, that I would too. I stressed about all of these things when I was young...thinking I was guaranteed to have these future troubles with things that I cared very much about. I wanted lots of kids and thought it could never happen. Now, here I am on the other side, had no trouble getting pregnant (even while on birth control pills for years) had no trouble with childbirth beyond the fact that my babies were a bit hyper and therefore wrapped themselves all up in their umbilical cords, had no trouble breastfeeding once I figured out the supply/demand side of it, and the only thing keeping me from having many many children was the lack of the right person to do that with. I was in a terrible disfiguring car accident at 18 and I thought I'd be ugly and scarred for life. Today, I look very much like I did before the accident. It makes me think that I should get the message at some point. Each of these big terrible "indicators" of what lay ahead for me turned out to be a small blip on the radar of life and had no bearing whatsoever in my future outcome. Life is telling me that this too shall pass and will someday be such a small blip in the romantic future and lifelong partnership, and strong relationship role model for my boys that is yet to come. I was also thinking that since most people don't find their soulmate until at least 2 years after their divorce, that this is perhaps the situation for my soulmate, and it is something to ponder. It will also turn out to be the reason that I do not yet know him. He is currently living in the bliss of unawareness. He is married, in love, and planning to have a child or has already. Soon, his whole world will be blown wide open as he discovers that his wife and love of his life is cheating on him. He will have to make the difficult decision to end the relationship and will then have to travel the road I am now traveling until he finds me...his true soulmate that understands his place completely and we will go on to have more children and create a bigger family circle that includes stepchildren and new children and ex's and ex-in-laws, and ex-sister and brother-in-laws. The sad thing is that, currently, he is unaware that this will happen to him in the near future and he also does not know that it will turn out better in the end because he will find me...so, let's all spend a moment to honor this poor soul and the journey that he must soon face before the two of us can end up happy, together, in the future...

Side note:

2009-04-05T15:41:00.000-07:00

I read this woman's blog religiously and adore her even though I've never met her...I just think that this part of her entry in something we should all consider and think it is worth passing on...

"Because he could not nor was never meant to rescue me, he did something else…he just sat with me there and let me be sad.
He held me while I cried and spit terrible thoughts and then told me to look him in the eye.
“I can do this with you. You can be broken and sad and I can still love you.”
And he went on,
“No matter if this is something that comes around in predictable or unpredictable ways, we can prepare for it and we will overcome it each time together; you don’t have to face it alone anymore.”
He prayed for us and I let him love me.
I allowed myself to be loved as I am, broken, unwhole and suffering.

When we fall in love we are the most perfect versions of ourselves, propelled higher than the angels, with hope and optimism.
When we settle into life we discover again the demons that have always persecuted us.
We need a lifetime to learn how to fight them, and we don’t have to slay every one of them before we are worthy of finding and being loved.
Self-help books will have you believe otherwise, but there is no need to have everything together before you give yourself to someone else. You only need to have enough wisdom within to know when you have truly found someone worthy of your imperfections.
Find yourself a good man who will come and sit with you inside your sadness to share the weight of it with you; a man who is is not just willing to fall but to remain in love, even when it hurts."

Backlog

2009-04-05T15:02:00.000-07:00

Right now, my life is one big backlog. Being really sick is just the thing to make you feel really mediocre at everything. I was up the last two nights with both kids sick (lots of snot, coughing, and eye gunkiness...thank goodness no stomach issues)...then too busy during the day with work to catch up on sleep...and myself feeling crappy too...I just feel like I can only be mediocre at all of my roles...mom, employee, friend, homeowner, housekeeper, family-member, etc. I have a baby book that has nothing entered...not his monthly weight/height stats, first meal, his first tooth or crawling dates and tons of video and pictures that have not made it to the blog...I am trying to keep all the balls in the air but I'm just barely keeping them from falling...and then I'm supposed to find time for a life for myself as a grown up individual too? I just don't see how it's all possible. As soon as I feel really good about one thing...making some money, paying the bills, or mowing the lawn, then something else is not getting done, the laundry, the house, my job, groceries, cooking. I make the kids a priority and always make sure that they are happy, loved, spent quality time with, fed, clean, clothed, and all before anything else and still it seems like I'm not there for them enough either. Odin just tells me how much he loves me and misses me every minute I have to be away for any reason and how much he needs me every minute of every day and Zephyr really does need me and if he's with my babysitter than I just feel like I'm missing out on bonding time...I just don't know how one person is supposed to handle it all. My only choice to be more on top of things is to be away from the kids more and I hate that thought more than anything. I think the time I spend with them is the MOST important thing since they are why I'm doing all this and it's my reward for all of the crap too. If I spend less time with them it hurts me as much as it hurts them...oh geez. I don't know what I'm trying to say...I just hate being mediocre at everything. I'm not that kind of person.

Big Doin's!

2009-03-24T16:04:00.000-07:00

My friend, Ali, from way back in my post college/first real job days in Boston came to visit and we had a GRAND time! My cousin, Thuy, also stopped by with the kids. The show that I'm the assistant choreographer and handle ticket sales for (Alice in Wonderland) opens this Friday so I've been really busy with that too. Odin just started reading...Just Kidding! Just wanted to make sure you were paying attention and he's so smart, it COULD happen ;) Now, for the BIG news....Z started crawling yesterday! He wanted to get to the vacuum cleaner to check it out and he just crawled over like it was no big deal! Then, he slept the entire night without waking up so, of course, Odin was up all night for some reason. Argh! Here are a few pix and videos to tide you all over :)

Cuteness and cameras...

2009-03-13T13:56:00.001-07:00

Soooo. The reason there have been no photos or videos is that the charger for my camera battery has disappeared into the oblivion...I have looked EVERYWHERE!!!!! My battery is dead dead dead so it's very troubling. That and the cable clicker has electrocuted itself and left burn marks in my couch so we are very electronically challenged at the moment. Add that to the sticky o button and the space bar not working and you've got yourself some serious frustration!!!!! Anyways, here are some cute Odin stories:

A friend of mine was going to stop by in the evening so I was cleaning the kitchen after dinner and Odin decided he needed to use my sponge so I gave it to him and he went off to do his thing. I was so relieved that he was letting me get the kitchen clean that I stopped paying attention to what he was doing. Next thing I know, he's saying, "Look Mom!" I look over and he has taken all the toys off of his little kitchen and organized them all and has used his sponge to clean off his counters and stove and his little kitchen looks spotless. It was too cute. When my friend arrived, he grabbed her first thing and dragged her over to his kitchen and said, "Look! I cleaned my kitchen for you since you were coming over to visit! It was too funny!

Another cute thing Odin does is after I ask him how he slept in the morning he says, "Mommy, how did YOU sleep?" At night I say sleep tight and he says, "You sleep tight too Mommy!" It's so sweet.

Sometimes, he runs over to me and says, "Mom, come quick! Zephyr needs some attention!"

Yesterday, Odin said, "Hi Mom, I just hurried home. I went to the park all by my... alone!"

We went to the Neary Lagoon park and since he has a book that is a parody of Goodnight Moon called Goodnight Goon, he asked me, "Mom, are there going be ghosts at the Goon Park? Will there be a pot full of goo?"

He's so smart and funny that I can't even remember all the brilliant things he says each day!

My boys!

2009-03-01T12:00:00.001-08:00

Baggage

2009-02-25T12:55:00.000-08:00

If you measure your life by your weight than I have shed enough baggage to be back to the person I haven't been since High School. I've somehow lost the 50 lbs of pregnancy weight AND an additional 15 lbs extra in 5 months and am down to 115 lbs without even meaning to be yet I think I actually have MORE baggage than ever before. All of the grade school insecurities, the grown up fear of the future, the post college lack of direction, the loss of faith in your own value and place in this world, the complete shock at how your got to be where you are, and the confusion as to where to look for the answers. I will say that I have recently been reminded of the person that I was before all of this happened. The person that was squished down beneath someone else's issues, needs, and wants. The person that wanted to continue to exist but couldn't when juxtaposed to another's lack of love and own insecurities. I had become a person that was the antithesis of the person she was trying to love and balance out, not the person that I actually am. She is still in there yet somehow I'm now locked into a situation where it is impossible for someone to meet that person and appreciate that person because my kids need and deserve every bit of me. That girl is also now completely saturated in the truth of motherhood which is at complete odds with the free spirit that I love to be and the freedom loving people that I am drawn to. I have also re-commited myself to being the most authentic, truthful version of myself that I can be which I believe is the only way to find your true soul mates in this world but then, when you are brushed aside, it hurts so much more because your true self is being rejected instead of just knowing that you just didn't play the game right or didn't play the required role convincingly enough. I doubt that this makes any sense to all of you and it's extremely vague as I have no idea who might be reading this blog but I am trying to process this place that I'm at. It's a strange irony when I think of all of this while feeding Zephyr his very first real meal. Like he is just embarking on his own accumulation of baggage. Anyways, he ate it as fast as he could, whining between bites because he was just LOVING it! Then, afterwards, he decided he needed a drink so I nursed him and he kept taking a break from drinking, pulling back, looking up at me with his huge blue eyes, and LAUGHING. Over and over, he drank, pulled back, and chuckled! Like we were sharing a great joke about the joy of eating. Like he just couldn't get over how GREAT that rice cereal and breast milk paste was and kept replaying it in his mind over and over! The joy of his first food experience just bubbled up inside of him until he had to let it out and chuckle. I hope you can all picture that image because it was just priceless.

Destiny

2009-02-24T13:18:00.000-08:00

Just starting to wonder if I'm just meant to be alone. Seems like a sad existence but I see so many women raising their kids alone and not finding anyone grown up enough to take them and their children on after their first partner fails to grow up. What has happened that keeps men perpetually in a teenager state? Why do they no longer progress to the point where family means something important enough to grow up and take on the responsibility and where nurturing a future is a valuable commitment that could actually be fun instead of just an unwanted stress? Raising children alone just seems like such a depressing existence. Having your kids think it's normal for their Daddy to just show up for the fun part occasionally when it's convenient. It just perpetuates the cycle. I don't want to raise my boys to think that this is the way of the world. What on Earth has happened that it has become the norm? Where are the grown ups? Do I have to wait another ten years to find one? When the 40 year old men finally reach adult maturity? Sorry if I insult anyone but I just feel that way at the moment. It's so frustrating and makes me feel so defeated. A lonely existence does not a happy future make. Hmph.

Caught on tape...

2009-02-14T08:11:00.000-08:00

I FINALLY caught Z on tape doing his tricks. The minute I pull out a camera, he usually gets so absorbed in the camera that all is lost. The video of his face takes a while for him to get over the camera so you have to watch for a bit but I promise it's worth it! He's just TOO much!

New beginnings...

2009-02-12T11:48:00.000-08:00

I have decided that Spring has come early to California to give me the hope and message of new beginnings. I have finally come around to once again thinking that I really am blessed....even through the Hell that has been my life the past few months. Somehow, I still am luckier than most people. When I am lonely, people come into my life. When I am weak, help comes. When I ended up alone, my kids came along. Although this life is not ending up the way I intended, I am still one of the lucky ones. I don't question why I am one of the deserving ones...why I am blessed with this luck. I just am. Maybe it's just how the cards fall. Anyways, the possibilities are endless...my future is unknown but will be blessed. Another part of the luck that is in my life is that I am a person that can find happiness in any situation through the little wonders of life so no matter what the future lays at my feet, I know that I will find happiness in that. I am also working on the new beginnings that forgiveness brings. I have found the beauty in not holding onto your anger because you only hurt yourself. You can't hurt someone else back. They won't feel it. You can't make them see. You can only let it go and move on. One of my best friends said, "You can forgive, but you can also not forget." That's what I'm working from now. I can forgive but I will not forget. I will let myself be a healthy person and continue into the future from a happy place without dwelling on the past but I will not let myself be fooled again...

No news is good news...

2009-02-10T20:05:00.000-08:00

Hi all...
Things are progressing smoothly...
Z is growing, changing, better and better each day...don't know how that's possible since he's already so great but somehow he gets greater!
Odin is so smart it's ridiculous! What can I say? He's my "beeeeeest frieeeeeeend." ;)
I'm doing better and better. I'm great. I'm tired. I'm happy. 'Nough said?
That's all for now!
Love, Star

Working...

2009-02-06T14:38:00.001-08:00

Spring has Sprung in February???

2009-02-04T21:40:00.000-08:00

Hi all!
So, the daffodils are up and in bloom and the cherry trees are blooming!?!?!!? Huh? Love is in the air, the money tree looks like it's getting some new buds as some work is starting to trickle in, the boys are fantastic, I'm exhausted but happy. What more could I want? Maybe to get rid of the ever-present bags under my eyes from perpetual lack of sleep (especially now that there are not just two boys with colds in my home but two boys with ear infections) but I'm not going to push my luck. Besides, getting up at 4AM (after breastfeeding Z all night) just means that there is more time in the day, some time to snuggle with just Z and to give him a little undivided attention AND I get to see the sunrise! PLUS, it just means I get to start my coffee bliss earlier! Mmmmmm. I love my life, I love my boys, I love my house, I love my dog, I love my friends, I love my family. Now, I'm going to turn in with sweet dreams and a whole 2 hrs of uninterrupted sleep before my first feeding shift :) Good thing that baby is THE sweetest little baby in the whole wide world. When I got up with Odin at 4 the other day to administer meds and help him through his 104 degree fever, he turned to me in his feverish delirium and said, "Mommy, your kind of a good girl." What more could a person want than that kind of wonderful validation? That and the steady stream of hugs & kisses I've been getting lately. (Albeit, a bit snotty lovin' but still wonderful!) Mmmmmm! I'm going to have TWO Valentines this year!!!!!

A little dose of Zephyr...

2009-01-30T14:29:00.000-08:00

I know you are all DYING for a little taste of what little Z is like now. Here's the essence of this little angel monkey!

Mmmmm.

2009-01-26T23:12:00.000-08:00

Life is really better now. I know everyone told me it would be and I didn't believe them but it is. It really is :) Sorry for the lack of photos...I'm a whirlwind of living and I can't stop to capture it ;) Seriously though. SO much better. Thanks for all believing it would be :) I feel the karma coming back to me! YAY!

Life with a toddler...

2009-01-19T22:12:00.000-08:00

Soooo....for months, Odin and I have been talking about how it would be a great idea to put all of his "babu's" aka pacifiers in a bag and hang it in the tree and the "Babu Fairy" will come and get them and bring them to the babies who need them and will leave him a present in return. I read that the best age to try to get rid of pacifiers is 2 1/2 so I wasn't really pushing it too hard. Most of the time, he would get all excited and say he wanted to do it right now and then when it came down to realizing that they would really be gone, he would decide against it. Sometimes, at bedtime with his "Babu" in his mouth, he'd check with me to make sure that the "Babu Fairy" wasn't going to come and take his pacifier while he was sleeping to which I assured him that she woould not take the babu's until he was ready. So, tonight, I was telling babysitter and our friends that were visiting the story of the "Babu Fairy" and Odin decides he is ready right now. He gets a bag, bags up his babu's and goes out to hang them on the tree. Um, ok. I waited to see if he would chicken out. Instead, he finds another babu under the couch and runs out and puts it in the bag too! Um, what??? Now I'm in full on panic mode. I have NO present from the Babu Fairy for tomorrow morning. I can't run out on my guests who just arrived to make us dinner to buy one! Who would be open at this time of night? The babysitter's on her way out and has plans...can't ask her to go buy something and come back...can't leave the guest with two toddlers and a baby! Odin would freak anyways, being left with a practical stranger...but the fairy HAS to leave a present! I can't do it in the morning before they wake up, there's no one to stay with them! I make an emergency call to my neighbor. She doesn't answer the phone. I walk around the house, brainstorming what I could give him from my household crap that would be exciting and seem like something he'd never seen before. Oh dear. 9:00PM: Another panic call to a friend...wait...you're OUT RUNNING ERRANDS!!!!!! Oh my god, I have an emergency, my little boy has decided to grow up and I'M NOT READY!!!! Can you please please please find an appropriate gift at the drug store and drop it off at my house secretly since the boy is still awake and leave it on the doorstep? Sure enough, she came through for me. There was a "hot diggity dog" gift bag with markers, stickers saying AWESOME, TERRIFIC, AMAZING, a flashlight (she knows he has an OBSESSION with flashlights...can't get into the random reason she knows this) a PEZ dispenser, and a SUPERMAN card with a note inside saying:

Odin,
I am SUPER proud of you! Really good job. You're such a BIG BOY now!!! I'll get these to all the little babies who need them. Love, The BABU FAIRY

Is that a wonderful friend OR WHAT???? I'm blown away. She really came through for me. Phew! This whole "relying on others for help" thing is just wonderful! Better than I could have ever imagined. You just put the word out there that you could use some help and voila! The universe sends you the most amazing things! I have a date with a hottie, friends bringing me dinner and good company, party and barbecue invitations, dates for drinks with the girls, someone, I don't even know who, bringing in my recycling can for me, neighbors offering to take my dog for a walk, my babysitter lending me her designer clothes, so many great things! I should have asked for help a long time ago! Here's to growing up!!!!! Hope the BABU FAIRY is just as good to all of you as she's been to this household ;)

I am back. From Wyoming.

2009-01-17T22:20:00.001-08:00

And by this I really mean, I am back. I have bounced back. I am bouncing.

We are in California, the sun is shining, it is 80 degrees, I have a wonderful babysitter, friends, family, a sweet little home, two wonderful boys, and a sticky "o" button. Everything is woonderful. :) Every day I wake up to my "daily 5" matches to keep things interesting...all dweeby men from San Jose. I get winks and emails from losers upon losers. Still, my optimism is unflagging. Caring for my boys is a joy. I see the light not at the end of the tunnel but right now. I am looking forward to "me" time, making plans to go rock climbing every week with a friend, Pilates every week with two other friends, some part time work for my non-profit and Pilates friends, gymnastics for Odin, walks for Z, preschool for Odin, playdates, dinner parties, and thinking, yes, maybe even some dates. I am back into my skinniest jeans, my skin is smooth and clear, my hair is long and blond, my stretch marks have faded, my ta-ta's are perfect and perky, I am lightly tanned, and best of all, my smile is once again genuine. I am really happy. I keep noticing this. I am really happy. Not a fake shell of happy on the outside of an inside that is truly sad. I am still stressed and waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I am happy and that is all that matters. I have dropped to the bottom, bounced and have come back up. I am once again floating in this sea that is life. I just hadn't accepted to what extent you CANNOT control this thing called life. Now, I am ok with that. I will live yet another life of my nine lives. I think I have more than nine lives though since I think I am now on life #10. I even have plans for Valentine's Day already if you can believe that. Plans that I'm ok with, even if they are not what I would have wanted for myself a year ago. A year ago I lived in la la land. Today, I am in the here and now. Reality. In all of its twists and turns and unpredictability. I'm taking it as it comes...knowing that I will always bounce back. I have gone through the worst of it and have come out the other side. Thank you to everyone for helping me get through. Now, let's all reap the benefits of your wonderful support and celebrate! I feel like when all of this went down, someone was pressing rewind over and over making me re-watch the last few years, then someone pressed pause and I was just stuck where I was, and now, finally, we're on play again in real time. Let's make some plans, let's make our own happiness, let's enjoy the moment. Right now, this moment, where we are happy right now and that is all that matters. Tomorrow will take care of itself.

Sorry for the lack of posts...

2008-12-28T16:10:00.001-08:00

Sadness has hit me like a ton of bricks again.

The life of we three...

2008-12-19T19:52:00.000-08:00

Grammie & Odin Slumber Party

Little Z...a.k.a. Santa's Helper

Uncle Adam's House

Zephyr doing some construction.

Snow...

Ride 'em Cowboy!

Whoa Nelly!

Cute Odin quotes for today:
"There's Uncle Adam's house! It is beautiful!"
"Mama, you're not crying anymore because Uncle Adam is here to take care of you." He came up with that one...never said a thing about it.

Snow day!

2008-12-17T21:27:00.000-08:00

We arrived safely in Wyoming, with an uneventful trip, despite the fact that I only had 3 hours of sleep the night before due to Zephyr's cold. Odin has completely forgotten what snow is like! We had a layover in Salt Lake City and we had to walk to the plane outside and there was snow on the ground and Odin was trying his hardest to touch it and step on it while walking to the airplane and asking, "What's that on the ground over there Grammie?" It was so cute. Then, we got out the few little toys that we left here last year and he said, "I like these new toys you bought me Mama!" It was so hard to explain to him that they were already his and that he has been here before. Due to the fact that Grammie and Odin are the only ones not coughing our brains out, they are sharing a bedroom so that they can sleep without being woken up and Odin thinks that is just so cool having a slumber party. We ordered him a little toddler bed and he told me that he thinks it's "cute" and hasn't even tried to get in bed with me which is a HUGE victory! We also ordered Z a swing so that we'd have somewhere safe to put him and it's ridiculous. Even though I only bought Odin's swing two years ago and it was the same brand, this swing actually plugs into the wall instead of using crazy amounts of batteries which seems like such a simple improvement that I can't imagine why mine didn't have that feature...this one has two recline positions too! How could they improve something that much in two years?

Odin & I went out and played in the snow today and had a grand time. We haven't gotten him a new pair of snow boots that fit yet so he wore his regular shoes and he was so preoccupied with getting snow on his shoes and not wanting to ruin them. No matter how many times I told him it was ok, he didn't agree that it was :)

Here's little Z with his Christmas present from Auntie Rachel!

Tomorrow, we're going to get a Christmas tree so that will be fun. Odin will have such a great time looking at the ornaments from when I was little! It's so great that every year I get to experience all of this through Odin's eyes as the first time again and again but at different stages of understanding since he doesn't remember it from the year before! I kind of thought there would only be a one time for the "firsts" of childhood but there's actually one every year! It's so great. Odin is SO happy to see Uncle Adam. He told me on the plane that Adam is his best friend. Then, when we stopped at the grocery store on the way home from the airport, Adam went into the store and we stayed in the car and Odin was beside himself that he finally got to see Adam and he was already gone again. It was all I could do to get Odin to stay in the car until Adam came back. For some reason, not sure why but I'm sure there is a legitimate connection somehow, as we were driving from the airport home, Odin asked where Batman was. We must have said something that made him think of Batman. He's never even seen Batman so I don't even know how he knows who he is except for the jammies cousin James gave him for his birthday. So, in case you are looking for Batman, apparently he lives in Jackson Hole. Also, in typical contradictory toddler fashion, on the way home from the airport Odin kept saying, "We are NOT in Wyoming!" He did mention he wants to go hike a mountain with Adam and Grandpa so that should be interesting! More photos to come but this website won't load them for some reason right now! Argh! Well, that's all from cowboy country!

Off to Wyoming...

2008-12-15T23:25:00.000-08:00

Well, we're off to Wyoming. All of us have the WORST cold so let's hope that everyone's ears are a poppin' tomorrow. I'm bringing my laptop so I'll be posting photos of snow and little Z's first Christmas for all of you. We already got some Christmas presents today so we're getting to start early! Odin's starting to think that this presents thing is an every day occurrence! Let's hope that this little trip to the mountains gives me some perspective, space, and rest so I can come back a new, healthy, refreshed, not bitter, able to step up and be the grown up in the situation, more calm, less sad person. That's my wish for the New Year.

Well, that's it.

2008-12-13T20:44:00.000-08:00

Here's what's up in the life of we three...

I have the preschool cold. Argh. It is one of those cough your lungs out, blow your nose a million times, not be able to think straight, drag your feet, I have no patience kind of colds. Sad news is little Z has it too. His coughs make you want to cry they're just so pitiful. Poor guy. Yet, despite how crappy he feels, he is STILL his happy little wonderful self. Just talk to him or kiss him and he's all smiles and goos, coos, and ga's.

The papers are signed, things are official. I guess things are really over, we are really moving, and I am officially poor for it. It is a very bitter-sweet prospect. I will get the help I need but it means that I (and Odin) have to leave our lovely friends that are just wonderful, our fabulous family and their great kids, our sweet little house that I just adore, our town that is SO toddler friendly but would NOT be school age-kid friendly, our current life as Odin & I know it, all the dreams of a future that I had before all this happened and all the effort I put into keeping it all going before this all happened. I'm totally freaked by the prospect of moving. I have no idea what we will do when we get back East. All of you are so scattered, I wish there was a magical place where you all lived that I could be welcomed home to. We could all be neighbors and raise our kids (and friends' kids) together. Ah, I digress. Lately, I have so many daydreams of how I wish things were...delusions of an easier way. It's hard to want to stay in reality when what the future brings is so uncertain and when the present is so sad. I look at the kids and they are just wonderful and I keep thinking that some day I will look back and realize that I missed this wonderful time in their lives because I just couldn't be entirely present for them with all that I was going through myself. Little Z is in that wonderful "I want to stop time" baby phase where you just breathe in his scent and hold him cuddled up against your body and think, "I have to do this again someday." I keep thinking, what if this is that last time I have a baby and I missed it because I was so upset and in my own selfish hurt phase where all I could do was focus on healing myself and making it through? I also worry about uprooting Odin right now from everything he knows. The only saving grace is that he ADORES his Grammie & Grandpa and will still be seeing them daily so I keep thinking he's gaining a big part of his life, and losing some smaller parts. He will also be closer to his cousins Alexandra and Nicholas whom he really likes so hopefully that will make up for him losing his best friend and his cousins that he absolutely adores here. It's also hard knowing that I am moving but will not have my own space again for a long time. Being a grown up and having my own life is a hard thing to give up especially when I don't know when I will get that back again. I don't know when the market will recover, when my house will sell, etc. Anyways, enough of that.

We had a Christmas party last night with our married friend couples and their kids here and it was just wonderful. The kids were so grown up! They decorated a gingerbread house, cut out and decorated sugar cookies, and played together while we all chatted. Little Z actually slept through the whole thing, not sure how! It was a little sad because a lot of good friends couldn't come due to various winter toddler illnesses but those of us with the "preschool cold" just gave in and shared our germs amongst all the little runny nose coughing kids. I had SUCH a good time though. I like all my friends' spouses almost as much as I like my friends and since we've all been friends since the kids were born, we all know each other's kids really well too. It was so nice to be amongst such wonderful people and to stand there on my own two feet, instead of as half a pair where the other half is ALWAYS missing. It's always been so wierd in the past that all of their significant others come to everything and mine never did. It was nice to just not have to answer that question and for me to be enough all by myself and know that they were all here because they enjoy my company and mine alone. It will be so sad to leave them. Funny story, Odin and one of his girlfriends, Taryn were in his bedroom with the door closed. My friend went to check what they were doing and they were standing next to each other with a bottle of cookie sprinkles. Taryn blurted out, "I was just cleaning!" It was too funny to hear the random excuse she came up with for something that she deems as preferably acceptable behavior in her mom's eyes. The kids also all went out and looked at my Christmas lights all of their own interest and that made all the decorating worth it :) Here are some videos:

Anyways, thanks for "listening." I'm sure there will be many more totally freaked out entries before this is all over with. It's going to be really hard to let go of everything I've known for the past 5 years. I can only try to hold out hope that the future will be brighter than the "hoping it will get better" past and present. Everyone tells me that things will get better and that there's that perfect someone out there that will accept me, baggage, kids, and all and that I won't spend the rest of my life living with my parents, a lonely mom of two. I'm really really trying to believe that and hoping that the period before this magical "no way in hell that person exists based on my life experience" person comes along will be manageably lonely in an ok kind of way and that some day soon I will feel like I am again standing on my own two feet.

'Tis the season!

2008-12-11T08:27:00.000-08:00

It seems like the holidays are depressingly about money this year. When you have two kids under the age of three, making gifts for people that come from the heart and don't cost very much is very unlikely unless you sacrifice your night's sleep every night to find the time which only hurts everyone in the long run since I turn into a major bummer of a person without sleep and usually get whatever sickness is going around as well. Really, the only option is shopping online, which is admittedly very fun but also costs $$. Normally, I get excited about selling some stock and giving back to all my friends and family that are so wonderful and mean so much to me. This year, my stocks are worth less than they were when I bought them and now it's starting to seem that any future that the three of us has is hinging on those future sale of stocks. With no income, divorce costs, house costs and a house that is not worth any more than when I bought it even though I put a ton of money into it, kid costs, and my parents basically supporting us right now, the holiday season is becoming about Guilt. Lots and lots of Guilt with a capital G. Guilt because I owe my parents more than I could ever pay back, guilt because this year Odin is finally old enough to REALLY appreciate the full glory of Christmas and yet things are so bitter sweet and I'm trying so hard to make sure he doesn't miss out because of everything his mom is going through. I know my parents don't worry about how much they are giving up to help us, and how they are completely giving up their own lives right now to help us, but I am just a guilt ridden kind of person. Guilt because I can't give back to all the people that mean so much to me in the way I'd like to. Guilt because I'm moving Odin across country and uprooting his entire life because I can't do it all by myself and need help and because I can't afford to keep living in Santa Cruz. I've always been a person that likes to be self-sufficient so that I can avoid all of this guilt. I've always worked very hard to not have to take advantage of the kindness of others. I guess I'm kind of more comfortable being a giver and I'm not very comfortable taking. Anyways, I know this is a depressing post but I can only imagine that due to the economy, all of you are feeling some of this as well and thought maybe it would help to hear how it could be worse... I just want you all to appreciate what you have and to give your significant other a hug and tell them how much you appreciate them. I also would like you all to know how much I appreciate you and that despite what pathetic present from my online shopping efforts arrives at your doorstep this holiday season, I do appreciate each and every one of you and how much your friendship and love mean to me. I wish I could dig myself out of this capitalist view of the world I am stuck in to see a way to make this holiday season more about what it was originally intended to be about but unless I clone myself and can then give each and every one of you more of my time and energy, I don't see how that will happen. Right now I'm giving every ounce of my time and energy to my two little pint-size priorities which I'm sure you all understand. Please also consider this an advance thank you for all of the future support that you will provide to us this year as I'm sure that my need to depend on all of you will only continue even more the rest of this year until I land back on my feet. Thank you all...to make up for the depressing nature of this post, here's a little photo of our cheery little house. Odin was so excited about Christmas lights, I couldn't let him down! I did go for LED lights this year to save on our electric bill and also scaled my lights display down somewhat but it means so much to Odin, I couldn't forsake the tradition all together. Hugs and kisses to all of you,
Love, Star

By the way, for all of you that voted on my weight, after the stress and a case of the flu, I'm within 3 pounds of my pre-pregnancy weight at only 2 months after Z was born! Can you imagine? Nothing like looking good for the holidays ;)

You are so beautiful...to me!

2008-12-07T19:40:00.000-08:00

Here's a cute one.

Took a shower, combed my hair. Then Odin came into the bathroom and told me that he wanted to blow dry my hair. Ok. So I got the hairdryer and let him dry my hair. Then, he stepped back, looked seriously at me and said, "You look beautiful Mommy" in a very somber serious voice. Then, he sidled over to me and tucked himself into my side and cuddled for a minute. Makes it all worth it, doesn't it?

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood!

2008-12-05T18:20:00.001-08:00

It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood,
A beautiful day for a neighbor.
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?...

I've always wanted to have a neighbor just like you.
I've always wanted to live in a neighborhood with you.

So, let's make the most of this beautiful day.
Since we're together we might as well say:
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
Won't you be my neighbor?
Won't you please,
Won't you please?
Please won't you be my neighbor?

Feeling better!

2008-12-03T20:36:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone,
I'm all better and feeling my energy come back! Odin had a great day at school. Usually, the minute he knows that he's going to school and that I will not be staying at school with him, he melts down, but today, he just wanted to make sure that I would be picking him up and no one else and then he was ok with it. He marched right in saying, "Hi Teacher Erica!" Handed her his backpack, and got ready for her to pick him up after I said goodbye so he could get some comforting when he teared up. He handled it like a pro and knew exactly how to get through it and it made me so proud of him that he could calm himself down. It was really sweet! He got some pictures taken at picture day at school a month or so ago and I'm attaching the proofs below because they are SO cute!!!! The color doesn't come out right because they are proprietary or something but the actual photos are SOOOOO cute!!!!!

When I picked Odin up, the other kids were resting on their cots (they go down for a nap right before I pick him up since he only does a half day) and he was sitting at a mini table with a mini chalk board and a sock on his had and a piece of chalk. I deduced that the sock is the "eraser." He saw me and jumped up and grabbed his backpack and jacket and said, "Goodbye Teacher Erica! My mama's here to get me now! Goodbye everyone!" It was SO cute. It's also really cute that he has this wierd accent now when he says my name and it sounds kind of French like "Maman." I feel like I have a French child and I should answer, "Oui ma petite familier?" Meaning, "Yes, my little one?" Odin and Zephyr both have liquid build up in their ears from so many colds in a row so I'm hoping the herbal ear drops the doctor recommended will work. We are going back to see her next week to see. Odin was very brave and had a flu shot (his second one as kids have to get two the first year) and he likes his doctor so much he actually sat on her lap while she looked in his ears and blew air into them to test the fluid. I put Odin to bed 45 minutes ago and he's still in there singing to himself. Ho hum. I got him an advent calendar from playmobil and it has all these little boxes and you open one each day and it has little animals and trees and food for the animals to put into this little forest scene that they give you and on Christmas Eve, Santa comes to see the animals. It's so cute. After he gets all the pieces, he can use it for playing with his playmobil camper and can have the camper in a forest with trees and animals. It's the cutest thing. Today he got four little birds and a tree. He played with them all evening. I was amazed that he could enjoy such a simple little set. I'm including photos of that too.

Another interesting thing, Odin has decided he likes his room completely dark when he goes to bed! He never ceases to amaze me!

No turkey.

2008-11-27T15:12:00.000-08:00

Wouldn't you know it?!?!? I came down with the flu last night and had to skip Thanksgiving! Can you imagine? No turkey, no stuffing, no cranberry sauce, green been casserole, pies. Oh dear. I sent the kids off for a wonderful thanksgiving with Uncle Adam, Grammie, Grandpa, Auntie Mary, Frannie, Katharine, Nelson, and Lucia. I spent the day lying in bed. Can't say I've had that privilege in a long time, however, I could think of much better ways to spend a day with no kids than in bed with the flu! I could have cleaned and organized the whole house, had a spa day, and decorated for X-mas today! Oh dear. Anyways, eat some extra leftovers for me...it'll be a long time before I'm able to eat that delicious stuff. By the way, flu shots are such a bunch of bunk. I get a flu shot every year and every year, I get the flu. Oh well. Send some fast healing wishes my way!

The cutest boys...

2008-11-26T16:10:00.000-08:00

"Odin, you are such a wonderful boy and I love you very much."
"Amen mama."
Where did he get that?!?!?!?!?!

"Who got these jammies for me mama?"
"I think Grammie and I bought them together..."
"So, Grammie bought the shirt and you bought the pants?"

"Mama, can we do ballet together tomorrow morning?"

"Goodbye Grandpa, Thanks for coming to see me!"

"Mama, let's hunt for caribou."

The cuteness that comes out of Odin's mouth is limitless...I can't even remember all the cute things he says. More to come soon!

Giving Thanks.

2008-11-23T16:15:00.000-08:00

Things to be thankful for:
A very healthy, happy baby
A well-adjusted, joyous toddler
A wonderful supportive family
Fabulous friends
A sweet puppy and a cuddly cat
A beautiful home
Brains
Beauty
Booty

Previous Blog from a past life...

2008-11-22T15:22:00.000-08:00

To delve back in history even further...
www.babyodin.blogspot.com

The life of we three...

Big news!

Joint Family Trip

Since I last wrote...

Such is life.

The perils of marriage.

Zephyr's Mickey Birthday Party & Odin's Spiderman Birthday Party

We are all moved into our new place :)

Resolve

Life as we live it.

Spring has sprung!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

SNOW!

Thanksgiving, December, and our first snow!!!!

Home Sweet Home

This is Halloween!!!!

Z walking! Here ya go!!!

Here's a thought.

Mmmmmm. Fall.

"I think that people who can't believe in fairies aren't worth knowing. ~Tori Amos"

Fall is here!

Zephyr's First Birthday!

Good vs. Evil

My baby's not such a baby anymore!

Big News!!!!

Snippet

Floating up.

Comments

It's official!

Ahoy me hearties...

4th of July

Floating...

Love *almost* three year olds...

Odin

Lovely early mornings...

Back in ACK.

What you may have missed...

It's official.

Relocated

Small Talk

My son.

Your monthly fill of photos & video

Thoughts...

Side note:

Backlog

Big Doin's!

Cuteness and cameras...

My boys!

Baggage

Destiny

Caught on tape...

New beginnings...

No news is good news...

Working...

Spring has Sprung in February???

A little dose of Zephyr...

Mmmmm.

Life with a toddler...

I am back. From Wyoming.

Sorry for the lack of posts...

The life of we three...

Snow day!

Off to Wyoming...

Well, that's it.

'Tis the season!

You are so beautiful...to me!

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood!

Feeling better!

No turkey.

The cutest boys...

Giving Thanks.

Previous Blog from a past life...

Love almost three year olds...